Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
