Even my vagina gasped.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
