Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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