so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
