the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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