you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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