I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
