Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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