saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
