I think I won the penis lottery.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
