i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
