i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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