It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
