my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
