i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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