Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
