Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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