Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
