My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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