i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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