I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
