So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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