Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
