I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
