before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
