just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
