This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
