I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
