I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
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