my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
