I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
