So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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