My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
