i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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