I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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