Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
