it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
