Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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