i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
