I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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