I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
