gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
