She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
