70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
