Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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