Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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