I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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