Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
