I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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