Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
