The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
