I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
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Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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