I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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