She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
