You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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