Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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