I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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