What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
